1) Men have attention spans similar to that of a goldfish (FUN FACT: Goldfish have never been proven to have three second memories. But that scientific fact immediately ruins my opening line, so let’s pretend it’s true.). I’ve forgotten what this tip was. MOVING ON.

 

2) Men like to eat. If, approximately 47 minutes after beginning a search for food he has not found anything, there is a 94% chance he will resort to cannibalism and eat you. Keep the fridge stocked to avoid cannibalism, ladies!

 

3) Unlike their more graceful female counterparts, men have no natural intuition when it comes to dancing. Though we can learn, if dancing is combined with drinking our arms will turn into flails and we’ll twirl around like an out-of-control helicopter, destroying everything that comes into our path. There is an exception to the rule: any man, no matter how much they deny it, will do the phone hand during the chorus of ‘Call Me Maybe’.

 

4) Don’t call him honey. Or any condiment actually. Butter, sauce, apricot marmalade. Men like to be the knife of the relationship, not the spread. Encroaching on this primitive and territorial zone can result in him bursting into tears due to confusion while making toast. Which can then lead to an accidental stabbing with a butter knife (on the tier of relationship stabbings, this is a level one).

 

5) Despite cats often being associated with feminine qualities, men actually share a lot in common with cats. You can tell a man truly loves you if you sometimes awaken to scratching at the door and a dead animal on your doorstep. This means he cares about you. The larger the animal, the more love there is. If a man cares enough to get an elephant through your doorway, you should appreciate it rather than scream at him for two hours about the risk of extinction, the horror of the ivory trade and the evil of poachers. It will ruin the mood and eventually after your breakup he’ll run off to Africa to become a poacher out of spite, only to lose his leg to a lion. Fuck you, bitch.

 

6) Men aren’t always great with colours. Or words. Or emotions. Or gifts. What I’m saying is, if he gives you a rotten sheep’s heart with a card attached saying, “I like you, a bit, I guess”, he’s really trying his best to combine his four lacking skills into one super skill that is still kind of shitty.

 

7) If your boyfriend dies while you are dating him, you have to stay virtuous until you die so you can be reunited in the afterlife. If you date someone else he will know, and he will haunt you. Who wants to go on a date with a ghost girl? No one, that’s who! The best way to solve this is to break up with a boy if you think there’s a chance he could die in the near future, or to break up with him and kill him immediately. This means that he doesn’t have to feel sad and YOU don’t have to explain to dates why there is a ghost passing through the middle of the table.

 

Thanks for reading! For more helpful dating tips, or to learn the full 11 levels of relationship stabbings, stay up to date with Sam in his published works or other ways, like stalking!

 

 

Got anymore obscure dating tips for Sam's list? Share them below!