By Ella McMillan

 

Being a frequent and very sober observer on the dance floor's sticky sideline I've decided to put my knowledge to good use and offer a bit of advice for the lads. Don’t get me wrong, girls these days could do with some too, but this one’s for the guys and for Christ sake select all, copy, paste and pass this shit on.

 

So on behalf of all girls and for the greater good of mankind, I present...

10 Tips on how to get laid/do the opposite to get a six inch heel to the balls

 

1. Approach ladies from a diagonal angle. The front on attack is threatening, you look like you’re on a mission to murder. NOTE: sneaking up from behind is creepy as fuck. Contrary to popular belief no chick likes getting dry humped by a stranger with a hard on. Mind = Blown

 

2. Refrain from obsessive staring. Believe it or not, even though bitches are dancing their big booties off, they can still feel your seedy gaze from half way across the room. Cut it the fuck out. Seriously.

 

3. Whoever thought it was a good idea to "helicopter" their freshly opened beer effectively showering the dance floor in grog needs a shovel to the head...severely. Some chicks spend hours on their hair and make-up, don't drown them in alcohol.

 

4. "Haaaaaaaaave you met (insert friends name here)?" is not an effective pick up line. You and your mates aren’t the only ones that watch 'How I met your mother'. Also, “My phone is broken/lost/stolen/missing can you call it?” gets 10 points for trickiness but girls aren’t dead-shits, so save your breath. Instead…

 

5. Try the revolutionary technique of having a normal conversation. Ladies should be open to the idea of replying to something like "Hi, are you having a good night?" there are a shitload of opening lines that don’t involve your dick. Be creative.

 

6. Righto Pedo Pete…if she looks 20 years younger than you, she probably is. Unless you're Hugh Heff and rich as fuck with a stash of Viagra in your pocket, it's wise to avoid a sexual harassment case and stick to those in your own age bracket, or just grab your zimmer frame and call it a night.

 

7. There's nothing more unattractive than a guy who can't hold his alcohol. You're not in with a huge chance if you're on the ground having a conversation with a pool cue.

 

8. Upon approach, think about the words that are about to come out of your mouth and use a filtering technique. Let’s actively think about how we can improve on “I heard you had a baby, you want a new boy in you?” Just because you have a smoking hot bod doesn’t automatically give you the right to be a cocky fuck. I hope you gym junkies on steroids are writing this shit down.

 

9. Quit offering us ‘free drugs’, for fuck sake, we might as well just cut to the chase and say, “Please Seedy Fuck… take me home and murder me.” If you need drugs to take a bitch home you’ve got issues. Go get help.

 

10. Finally, a 'Quick Quiz': When initiating conversation, should start a sentence with?

A) "My mate thinks..."

B) "My friend wants to know..."

C) "My buddy here..."

D) None of the above.

If you answered 'D' you are correct. If a guy can't grow a set and open his own mouth, he should've stayed home with his hand cream.

 

** also, don't forget deodorant

 

What’s the worst pick up line you’ve had or used?